Great Expectations

"I want to make sure the first person you kiss loves you, okay?"

-Stephen Chbosky 

Perks of Being a Wallflower

Let's get personal. I want to talk about your first kiss. How old were you? Did it live up to your expectations? Were you nervous? I want to know it all! I know, I'm nosy. Obviously you all know I'm a girl, that already is a con for my first kiss. I'm pretty sure that all girls grow up thinking that their first kiss is going to be amazing. Add to that the fact that I was (and still am) an avid reader and you're screwed. Not only did I think my first kiss would cause fireworks to randomly explode in the night sky behind me but I thought that mountains were going to come crumbling down. I thought everything would turn out like my books, movies, and my vivid imagination. It did not. I was too dumb to factor in anything else, especially nerves.

If you don't know me then you're lucky. I'm a naturally nervous person. I try to hide it but it's just always there. Let me explain. On Friday I went bowling with my fiance and only agreed to do so because it was just us two. I didn't even think about the fact that the bowling alley is a public place. Well, it was packed. PACKED. As we waited for our lane I started to shake a little. We were wedged in between a group of 6 or 7 guys and little kids on the other side. I was petrified. The entire time I was trembling and frustrated that I was doing so badly. Seriously, I got a 38 in my first game. It was horrible. Now that you know the extent of my nerves just know that it was even worse when I was in high school. I was 14 (almost 15!), which is quite young for a first kiss to some people but I was the only one of my friends that had never kissed a guy. They said it was awesome, magical, blah blah blah. This all just made me more nervous. Would it be like the books? Would I just KNOW what to do?

My first kiss was beyond embarrassing Never in my life did I think I would give up my precious first kiss during a game of truth or dare. I also didn't think that the people would gang up on me like that. I was at a Super Bowl party with a big group of people and we had played the game "never have I ever" (you know, you hold up 10 fingers and say stuff like "never have I ever worn glasses.." and if you have you put down a finger and so on.) Well, I kept on winning because I would bust out the big guns and say 'never have I ever kissed someone". Apparently they were so sick of me winning they kind of came up with a plan. Skipping the rest of the nonsense and getting to the kiss. I was sitting there with my breathing getting shallow and trembling. I was so nervous. I just kept on looking at people and asking "Can we not do this?" they just laughed and told me I had to because I was dared. I swear, I sat there for almost 20 minutes trying to work up the courage and calm my nerves. Finally, we kissed! My first kiss! Yes!

Cue the music.

Not really. It wasn't anything to write home about. You'd think that we were dared to French kiss or something by the way I freaked out but it was simply a peck on the lips. Don't get me wrong, the guy is great and actually ended up being one of my friends in high school, but I just didn't feel sparks. Looking back now, I'm almost glad it happened the way it did. My expectations were so high that I'm pretty positive that no one would have lived up to it. I don't think I could have taken it if someone I was romantically interested in failed to make sparks fly for me. Following this suit, my first kiss with an actual boyfriend wasn't anything special either. I was positive that I had idolized all these guys in books that don't exist in real life. Now I know it isn't about finding the right moment or getting rid of nerves, it's about kissing the right person. The right person can give you the sparks you want and make it feel like mountains are moving. To this day, only one person has made me feel that way.

I know that this is different for guys. From the ones I talked to it seems like they didn't expect much, they were just nervous about doing it right. For that, I'm sorry. You didn't get to dream about someone sweeping you off of your feet and blowing you away with their kiss. I'm even more sorry that you have to be the one the pressure for the kiss falls on. It has to be someone, and I'm so glad it's not me.

"The first kiss I had was the most disgusting thing in my life. The girl injected about a pound of saliva into my mouth, and when I walked away I had to spit it all out." -Leonardo DiCaprio

Thanks for that visual, Leo.

Until next time, make it rain.
D